GOD IS GROWING DEAF?

This just in from Internet News headquarters, where our motto continues to be: If it’s news; it’s news to us.

Dateline Anywhere USA; hey, maybe even Your Town. A breaking story: Rick Warren is now everywhere!

Well, ok, maybe that’s not news, but what follows below just might be there bubba:

Nephy Lim, our own Extraterrestrial Nephilim Correspondent, is reporting that self-proclaimed NAR Grand Poobah Apostle Deluxe C. Peter Wagner Issues Alert

According to our inside sources, C. Peter Wagner has just issued a major alert to his fellow self-anointed, self-appointed apostles across the globe concerning a problem that has been growing over the past two decades. God is apparently going deaf!

Yes, folks, it seems that Wagner’s New Apostolic Reformation leaders have received divine prophetic transmissions to the effect that God can no longer hear soft-spoken prayers. Quiet whispering and gentle beseeching is apparently not getting through to Him any more.

NAR leaders are perplexed about the cause of this development. Perhaps it is the ozone layer, maybe it is air pollution, or possibly sound waves aren’t traveling through to heaven due to some disturbance in the quantum world…. Whatever it is, Wagner is now convinced that simple, humble, individual and private prayers cannot get through to the Throne of God.

Wagner says everyone must begin to yell and scream, bob their heads back and forth, use microphones and sound equipment if available, play loud music, and repeat words over and over and over again. “God listens better if prayers are accompanied by loud forceful demands,” Wagner says.

Wagner also warns, “God won’t do anything unless it is pronounced loudly over and over again that He has done it. These earthly decrees force God into action! This must start immediately or the church is in peril!”

Wagner suggests that prayer warriors watch and imitate the NAR leaders and key NAR events to learn the new way to pray so that God will listen. Wagner insists that God hears large events best because they make the most noise.

When asked about the prayer closet of Matthew 6:6, Wagner just shook his head sadly and said, “God doesn’t seem to hear individual requests anymore. Everything must be done in a group with high pitched screaming from now on.”

Nephy Lim shares this video clip below from NAR Apostlette Cindy Jacobs’ Reformation Day 2012 where at the end she demonstrates Wagner’s winding promulgation perfectly:

Further reading